How we survived the hardest years of our lives (and you can too)
It’s been three years since Sunaina and I last published our Happy Wanderers Podcast, and there’s a good reason for that: The last few years have been really hard! We have a toddler now, which is great, but everything else has been one of the hardest periods of our lives.
I know that many of you can relate.
There’s been the Covid pandemic, mass layoffs, and mental and physical health crises, just to name a few things out there. Chances are that some of these have affected you.
And some of you (like us) have had to tackle all of the above, and maybe more. It hasn’t been great, Bob.
How we deal with these hard times matters a lot. The choices we make affect our happiness, our relationships, and our health.
Whether you’re going through tough times now or want to know what to expect, please know that there are things you can do today that will help you find more peace, direction, and support during your most challenging times.
We survived the last few years and we’d like to share some tips we learned along the way. Think of this as our 3-step guide on how to survive the hardest times in your life.
Step 1: Take one small step toward peace and self-connection
Everyone has tough times in their life. One of the hardest for us started in early 2020. In a few short months, I was laid off, Covid left us isolated, our house flooded and needed costly repairs (which uncovered asbestos and lead), and then our daughter was born.
We had never felt more scared and alone. We spent most days paralyzed by anxiety and depression. We rarely felt capable of doing the bare minimum to survive. We ordered a lot of pizza.
My therapist gave me some great advice. When you’re overwhelmed, he said, taking care of yourself can feel impossible. But try to think of one thing you can do, no matter how small, that gives you relief.
All of my favorite places and activities were shut down because of Covid, so I literally felt trapped in our house. But I followed my therapist’s advice and thought about one thing I could do at that instant that would make me feel better. And then I went outside.
Sometimes I sat on our lawn and listened to the wind rustle the trees. Other times Sunaina and I went for walks down the street. These simple activities reminded me that the world wasn’t ending, and I wasn’t completely trapped in a spiral of fear and paralysis.
What I learned
When I feel overwhelmed and powerless to face my challenges, I can ask myself, what is one thing that I can do right now to take care of myself?
I went on a walk, and some other simple and effective strategies to find relief are to meditate, do a butterfly hug, and practice deep breathing. Do whatever calls to you!
Step 2: Discover what you really need
By the time our daughter was born, we had persuaded Sunaina’s mom to isolate in our guest room for two weeks so she could help us with the baby. When my mother-in-law left, I begged my parents to take the next shift.
Eventually, everyone went home and our little family unit remained behind, scared, lonely, and struggling. On top of that, I had chronic back pain that made it hard for me to help take care of our daughter. Once again I felt hopeless and depressed.
Then my mother-in-law asked if we wanted to stay with her for a few months in South Texas. Her generous offer seemed like the answer to all our prayers, but we couldn’t take her up on it, right? Our house was in the middle of a disturbingly expensive and massive repair job – our entire backyard was dug up into huge dirt piles – and we were too tired to drive halfway across the country with a cranky newborn.
It felt impossible. At least, that’s what I kept saying. But when I finally got honest with myself, staying by ourselves felt even harder. We desperately needed support and some semblance of community, and we weren’t going to find enough of either staying where we were.
The moment we decided to go to South Texas, I remember feeling different. I was scared because I didn’t know if I had the energy to drive us there. But for the first time in a long time, I also felt hope that we would finally get the help that we desperately needed.
What I learned
It wasn’t easy to let go of what I thought I should be doing, but it was only when I got honest with myself that I saw what I really needed.
Review this list of needs to help you discover what you might be needing during a challenging time.
Step 3: Take action to support yourself
We made it to Texas and life was better. It wasn’t perfect (it never is), but it got easier. The things that Sunaina and I needed so much, like support and community, were available here in a way that we’d never be able to get back home. After several months, we decided to make the move permanent.
My head knew this was a smart decision, but I felt sad and even angry at Sunaina. We were moving to Texas to be near her family and it felt like she was getting everything she wanted, while I felt like I was missing out on something important.
I looked inward and realized that I was missing a sense of belonging. I was a stranger in Texas and it didn’t feel like home. How could I be excited about moving my family here?
Almost on a whim, I asked my parents if they would consider swapping their home in Hawaii for a new one in Texas. Amazingly, they said yes! (Maybe I shouldn’t have been so surprised, our daughter is dangerously adorable). All of a sudden, my whole outlook changed. Texas was still foreign to me, but now I was excited to explore my new home with my parents and family.
What I learned
There’s an NVC saying that there are 10,000 ways to meet a single need. Fortunately, I didn’t need 10,000 ways to meet my needs – I only needed one. My first solution worked out OK, but we were already brainstorming other ways to help me feel at home.
Write down a list of things to do that might help your most pressing need. Do any options stand out to you? Start with that one. If it doesn’t work out, you’ve got a bunch more to try.
The truth about hard times
I used to joke with my therapist that I only had to get through the week and then everything would get easier. And then I’d say the same thing the next week.
The reality is that life is never really that easy. But we always have the ability to support ourselves in small yet meaningful ways. If we can do this for our most pressing needs, then even the most challenging times can become easier to survive.
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