A few days ago, I was walking through some hills in Conifer, Colorado. The grass was green, birds were chirping, and I was freaking terrified. 

**This is where I start talking about cancer and other intense stuff, so you may want to stop reading if it’s a difficult topic for you.**

Three years ago I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Soon afterward I had my kidney removed, and I made a full recovery. Every year since, I get an MRI to check if I’m still cancer free. 

When I was walking through the hills, it had been two and a half weeks since my last MRI and I hadn’t gotten any updates. (As I’m writing this, I just found out that I’ll get my results next week, about a month after my test.) 

Whenever I think about the test, as I was during my walk, I can feel my heart race, because it’s scary and I don’t know what’s going to happen. 

I don't know if I'll still be considered healthy when I get my results.

And the temptation I have is to not think about the test. To push my fear away, pull out my phone, play a game, pull up social media… do anything but experience the uncomfortable fear that's bubbling underneath the surface of everything.

Even when I'm in a beautiful place like Conifer, that fear is with me.  

And what I’ve learned is that the only thing that makes that fear more manageable, is to STOP pushing it away. 

It's to stop pretending like my fear doesn't exist, and to stop judging it, and stop wishing that it wasn’t happening to me (although that’s SUPER tempting!!).

Because when I stop trying to ignore my fear, I can finally be present with it. 

I can almost hold it in my mind, and examine it. 

And when I examine my fear, it starts to make sense. 

Like, OF COURSE I'd be terrified of getting my results! 

Who wouldn't be terrified of learning whether they have cancer or not?!?

And when I think about that, I can remember that this fear is my body's way of telling me that I’m scared because I treasure my life. 

My fear reminds me to cherish my family, my friends, the change I’m trying to make in the world, and even those beautiful green hills.

And that makes everything feel a bit easier. 

The truth is that life is filled with uncertainty and fear. And you can try to push it away or ignore it. But that means that your fear is driving your life, not you. 

That still happens to me sometimes, like it did up in the hills. 

But when I can practice being present with my feelings, I can understand and accept them. And I can use them to guide me toward living the life that I want to lead. 

Whatever challenge you might be facing in your life, I hope you can give yourself permission to stop pushing away your feelings. 

Because as uncomfortable as those feelings are (and I know they suck sometimes!), they’re also trying to guide you toward the life that you want to lead.

And you deserve that life.

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