When the ‘right’ words don’t work

I used to think that if everyone knew the “right” words to tell their partner, there would never be another argument.

But after helping countless couples reshape their relationship, I’ve learned that the words you say matter FAR less than your intent.

You can either try to “take” from your partner, or you can “create” a solution together.

Wanting to “take” from your partner means wanting your partner to concede something to you — like proof that they understand you, or an apology for their actions.

This is how you can say all the “right” things with a calm voice and only use “I” statements and it’s like you’re talking to a brick wall.

Because your partner knows that you’re not interested in hearing them out or understanding them.

So they’ll shut down, or escalate the conversation in order to defend themselves and make sure that THEIR needs are heard too.

Sound familiar?

It’s practically impossible to walk away from a “take” conversation with either one of you feeling heard or understood, let alone find a solution together.

The alternative to this is using what I call “create” intention.

This is talking to your partner with the goal of you BOTH walking away with what you want.

When you show up with this intention, you’re not hiding your emotions behind a calm voice — you ARE calm.

Because you’re not attached to a specific demand from your partner…

Which gives you the space and patience to hear and understand them…

So you can work together to find a solution.

When you decide to “create” a solution together with your partner, you can’t help but feel like a team — regardless if you use the “right” words or not.

Take a moment to consider, what intention have you been using in your relationship?

-Matt