Do you believe that your partner is holding you back from feeling the way you want to feel?

Are you waiting for your partner to step up and change their behavior in some way so that you can feel better — more calm, more patient, and more understanding?

Many of my clients have this belief.

I used to believe it too!

But the reality is that this isn’t how most relationships work.

In fact, it’s the opposite that’s true.

Your partner and relationship will feel better when you first make those changes in yourself.

Because when you care for yourself in such a way that you feel more patient, more calm, and more understanding, your partner will get less defensive around you.

Which means your partner will feel more capable of listening to you and making changes that help you feel more understood and more supported.

And you have the power to create this virtuous cycle!

If you often feel frustrated or disappointed with your partner because they're not stepping up in the ways that you've asked them to, then I invite you to look for ways to cultivate those feelings you want in yourself.

That might mean going for a walk, or talking to a friend who really understands you and can help you feel understood, or doing a favorite hobby of yours that gives you a sense of calm and patience.

When you hold these qualities in yourself and share them with your partner, then they become that much more capable of hearing you, understanding you, appreciating you, and caring for you in the ways that you need it.

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