You’re allowed to ask your partner for what they want

When Sunaina and I lived in San Diego, we spent several months teaching connection skills to a classroom full of inmates at a nearby prison.

One day I was describing different ways to help a partner or loved one in need, like offering advice, reassurance, or empathy.

We started discussing how our efforts can be painful and alienating to our partners if we offer help that they don’t want.

Then a frustrated student interrupted me.

“How are you supposed to know what your partner wants?” he asked me, almost angrily. “What if Sunaina wants you to listen to her when you’re giving advice?!?”

A hush fell over the room as the class slowly turned to me.

“I ask her what she wants,” I said, and I swear I saw smoke puff out of some ears.

The men *could not* believe they were allowed to ask.

They, like so many of us, think that caring and supportive partners magically transform into mind readers who know EXACTLY what their partners want without them having to say anything.

Don’t believe me? 

Have you ever been upset because your partner didn’t do what you wanted?

Of course you have!

Have you ever thought, “They should know what I want by now”?

Of course you have!

We’re ALL guilty of expecting our partners to be able to read our minds from time to time. But none of us are going to become mind readers, no matter how long we’re in a relationship.

And we don’t have to be! Because we can ask our partners for what they want!

Our class was still skeptical, and I don’t blame them – offering help can be scary. 

Everyone has tried to help a partner or loved one and had it backfire. Even offering to listen or give reassurances can trigger a painful response if it’s not wanted.

A student asked Sunaina how it felt to be asked for what she wanted. Didn’t it bother her that I didn’t already know the answer???

Not at all, Sunaina explained. She felt supported and loved because I cared enough to want to help her the way she needed it most. 

Sunaina and I often ask each other, “What can I do for you right now?” Sometimes we make suggestions: “Would you like me to listen to you for a while?”

There’s really no wrong way to ask how to help your partner or loved one. The only rule is to LISTEN to their answer and follow their request, if you can.

Of course, not everyone will feel the same way as Sunaina – it’s possible some people don’t want to be asked for what they want. And that’s totally OK.

But how can you know that for certain?

You can ask.

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