How to make up with your husband after a fight

A lot of people think the key to a strong, trusting marriage is to stop fighting or argue less.

It’s not.

I’m a marriage coach, and I argue with my wife like any other couple. What keeps us strong isn’t avoiding fights — it’s what we do after them.

I’ll show you what I mean.

The house-hunting fight

A few days ago, my wife and I were house hunting with our 4-year-old.

We had rushed out the door, so I was tired and hungry. Our daughter was cranky.

Then my wife realized she’d forgotten some supplies, so I ran to a gas station for batteries.

We were behind schedule, I felt awful, and our family adventure was turning into a gauntlet of frustrations.

I didn’t want to make things worse, so I gritted my teeth and shut my mouth.

Of course, my wife picked up on my bad mood. So she got worried, and I stayed quiet.

By the end of the morning, we were both furious with each other — and it felt like we weren’t going to talk for days.

Yet less than eight hours later, we were holding hands again.

Here’s how we got there — and how you can, too.

The 5 things I do after every fight

Step 1. Give yourself space to cool down

After that morning, we took some time apart.

Some people try to patch things up when they’re still heated. That’s really hard.

What works better is to take time to cool down and check in with yourself. Sometimes this can take a few minutes, and other times much longer.

I like to use a guided exercise to experience — and then release — my heaviest emotions.

Step 2. Take responsibility

At first, I blamed my wife.

"If only she had packed batteries," I thought. She should’ve planned better. She made this stressful.

But… was that true?

Not really.

I was frustrated, but I didn’t say or do anything about it. Instead, I shut down.

That was on me.

Step 3. Say, "I’m sorry."

That evening, things were still frosty but we agreed to meet at Olive Garden.

“I’m sorry,” I told her.

Then I got honest: "I was overwhelmed. I wanted house hunting to be fun, and when things went off the rails, I shut down instead of saying anything."

I saw the relief on her face.

"I thought you were mad at me," she said. "And I thought we weren’t going to be able to agree on any house."

Turns out, we were both afraid of stressing each other out.

Step 4. Share what you’ll do differently next time

Looking back, I wish I’d spoken up instead of letting things simmer.

So I told her, "Next time, I’ll say something instead of shutting down."

For example, I could have said:

"Hey, this morning is feeling rough for me. Can we take a break after this? Or maybe plan the next trip differently? What do you think?"

Step 5. Check in with your partner

After I shared, I asked, "What’s coming up for you?"

Turns out, everything I had said was a surprise to her. And a relief.

She accepted my apology, and we shared our hopes and fears about house hunting.

House hunting was a big deal for us in different ways, and talking about it helped us understand each other even better than before.

Which helped us feel close again.

Then we made fun plans for the weekend. 😀 

What if your husband doesn’t respond the same way?

Maybe your husband isn’t great at this kind of conversation.

That’s okay. Few are.

When you follow these steps, you’re showing him what responsibility and repair (aka making up) look like.

You’re leading by example.

Even if he doesn’t follow your lead, your actions bring more trust and accountability into your marriage.

Because every time you say what you’ll do — and then actually do it — you build trust.

And over time, it’s that trust that keeps your marriage strong.