8 myths that make it hard to rebuild trust

When your husband crosses a line, it’s hard to know what to do next.

Whether it’s texting another woman, hiding an addiction, or confiding in someone else…

What are you supposed to do afterward?

Try to go back to how things were?

Act like things are fine and just move on?

The reality is that this is a confusing time. 

You might feel angry, tired, scared, or constantly on edge — like it’s now your job to monitor whether he’s really changed or he’s just saying the right things.

After he’s apologized, you may feel torn between still hurting and wanting to reconnect.

This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

It’s just that there are a lot of unhelpful ideas out there about what rebuilding trust is supposed to look like. 

And those myths can make it harder to heal.

Let’s clear them up.

8 marriage myths that make it hard to rebuild trust (and what to do instead)

Myth 1: You have to fully forgive him to feel close again  

Reality: Forgiveness isn’t a box you have to check before you can reconnect. You can still be hurting and want closeness.

Instead of forcing closure, try small, low-stakes ways to bridge the gap between you, like a short walk, morning coffee, a shared task.  

You can say, “I’m still working through this, but I’d like to feel closer. Can we eat lunch together?”

Myth 2: You need a roadmap before you begin

Reality: You don’t need to become a relationship expert to begin rebuilding trust. You just need to know your next step — and that starts by tuning into what you need.  

Need more understanding? Make space to talk.  

Need to feel seen? Ask for more appreciation.  

There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap for rebuilding trust, but regularly checking in to your own needs can help you stay on the “right” path.

Myth 3: His apology is all that matters

Reality: An apology is the start of a repair — not the whole shebang. Trust is rebuilt over time when he commits to doing things differently and then follows through on those promises.

If he’s unsure what to do next, you can make a suggestion: “Can we talk about one small way you could show me I matter this week?”

Myth 4: Trust means full access to his phone  

Reality: Access doesn’t equal safety. You can have every password and still feel anxious if your nervous system doesn’t feel safe.

What often helps more is emotional connection that’s offered freely. Try: “It would help me if you texted me one or two updates each day without me asking.”

If that doesn’t work, try scheduling time to catch up in the evenings. Experiment until you find a way to stay connected that works for both of you.

Myth 5: If he’s not doing it your way, he doesn’t care  

Reality: A lot of men want to rebuild trust but lack the tools. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It means more feedback and guidance can help him find the right path.

When he gets something right, tell him: “When you said you love me this morning, it helped me feel safe. Thank you.”

This reinforces what works for you, and encourages him to keep making an effort.

Myth 6: If you were stronger, you’d be over it by now  

Reality: Healing isn’t about strength. It’s about building trust and safety, brick by brick. If you still feel triggered sometimes — tight chest, racing thoughts, emotional distance — it means your nervous system is still catching up.

Try this when a wave hits: “This is my body remembering what happened. It hurts. And it’s okay to take a minute.”

That kind of self-compassion helps you move through pain and not get stuck in it.

Myth 7: This is the last straw 

Reality: You don’t need to throw down an ultimatum to kickstart change in your marriage. But clear boundaries can help rebuild trust — for both of you.

Decide together what will happen if he crosses another line.

For example: “If you text another woman, you’ll sleep in another room and we’ll start couples therapy.”  

Or: “If you relapse, you’ll enroll in a recovery program.”

The goal isn’t to punish him but to establish clarity and accountability.

Myth 8: Trust is all or nothing  

Reality: Trust isn’t a light switch. It grows slowly, through small moments that you can track.

Keep a note on your phone called “Proof it’s working.” Write down every moment of connection: when he follows through on a promise, when you laugh together, when you feel safe for a second.

These moments are the rebuild. And everything you write down is the start of the new relationship you’re building together.

And there you have it.

Rebuilding trust isn’t about sweeping away the past.

It’s about laying down a new foundation, one small and safe moment at a time.