Hear 'How are you?' from your husband

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By the end of a long day, it’s natural to want to sit down with your husband and hear him ask, “How are you?”

And know that he wants to hold space for your feelings and concerns.

These check-ins are a great way to feel like a close, united team.

But some husbands didn’t get the memo. 

They’ll watch tv, noodle on their phone, or pull out a video game controller instead of asking about you. 

This can give the impression that they don’t care how you’re feeling – like they’ve got something better to do.

If you can relate to this, then keep reading to learn how to get your husband to ask about you, even if he’s never done it before.

Husbands don’t understand how much this matters

In my work as a marriage coach, I’ve learned that most caring husbands are interested in their partner’s well-being.

What often stops them from saying the words is that they don’t fully understand how important it is to ask, and sometimes they’re not sure what to say.

So today we’ll practice how to show them.

If this feels unfair, like yet another thing you have to do for your marriage, I hear you.

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to explain or ask for what we want from our partners.

But this is the fastest, least painful way I know to make meaningful changes in a marriage.

Explaining yourself might feel like a chore at first, but over time it will help your husband understand you better.

So he’ll know how to support you better.

Which will help you both feel more like a team.

Ask him to ask about you

When you ask your husband to ask about you, try to do it without pointing a finger at him.

This will make it easier for him to hear your request, and it’ll feel like you’re wanting to work with him instead of telling him what to do. 

You can say, “I’ve been wanting to feel closer to you and I think it would help if we checked in with each other every more often. How does that sound?” 

If your husband is good to go, you can move on to figuring out the details, but if he seems hesitant or unwilling, ask him why. 

You could say, “If it seems like a lot to do, I’d like to understand why. I want to feel closer to you but I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to.”

Give your husband time to respond.

If it seems like he has a lot to share, you could use this chance to emotionally connect with him.

If your husband doesn’t seem ready to talk about checking in with you, schedule another time to have this conversation.

Agree on the logistics

When your husband agrees to start asking about you, it’s time to figure out the details.

This is the time to ask for what you want.

Consider when you’d like to have these check-ins.

And how — do you prefer to talk in person, or would text messages be enough?

You could also consider writing notes, making a phone call, or sending voice notes.

You can ask for whatever you want, as long as it seem like it’ll help you feel the way you want to feel about your relationship.

If your husband is willing to try what you want, then you’re golden! 

If he’s not into it, or seems unsure, suggest another way that your husband could check in with you that would still feel meaningful to you.

Set clear expectations

After you agree on how and when your husband can check in with you, describe to your husband what you’d like him to say.

I used to text my partner, “How are you doing?”

And eventually she admitted that it felt like I was expecting something to be bothering her.

So we agreed that I could say something else.

And now I say, “What’s on your mind?”

Or, “How is your heart?”

Maybe it doesn’t matter to you, or maybe it matters a lot.

I also recommend setting clear expectations about how often you want your husband to check in with you — a couple of times a day, once in the evening, once per week?

It’s counterintuitive, but creating a schedule like this can give your husband a greater sense of choice (which is usually very important to husbands).

Because now he knows when he can choose to watch tv, noodle on his phone, or pick up a video game controller without worrying that you’re expecting something from him.

Whatever schedule you decide on, both of you need to agree on it.

If you can’t agree, brainstorm another time or way to check in that works for both of you.

This might feel like a lot of work (and it can be!)…

But making these check-ins a regular practice is one of the best ways to feel like you’ve got each other’s back.