Hear 'thank you' from your husband more often

In partnership with

A lot of moms take care of so many things for their families that it’s like an extra job.

But instead of getting a “thank you” (or standing ovation!) for all they do, the usual response is… crickets.

Or a text from their husband to grab groceries on the way home.

If that’s something you can relate to, then keep reading to learn how to get more gratitude from your husband.

Why husbands don’t say “thank you”

Most people think that the reason a husband doesn’t say “thank you” is because they’re lazy or they don’t care about their partner’s feelings.

In my work as a marriage coach, I’ve learned that most husbands want their partners to feel appreciated…  

But they unconsciously follow the same marriage playbook they learned from their parents.

So they don’t talk about their feelings – including saying “thank you” to show their gratitude. 

Instead, they might try to let their actions speak for themselves.

Their version of a “thank you” might be to cook a special dinner, or take the family to an activity they enjoy, like playing at the park or the beach.

I’m not trying to let your husband off the hook for not saying, “thank you,” but it’s helpful to understand that people can show gratitude in different ways. 

Take a few minutes to think about how your husband shows his gratitude.

If you thought of a few ways, does that change how you feel him?

It may or may not make a difference, but part of building a new gratitude habit is learning to notice when it’s being shown.

Now let’s work on getting you even more gratitude.

How to get more gratitude from your husband

A lot of people don’t realize that showing gratitude – like saying “thank you” –  is a habit that can be learned.

Fortunately, it’s never too late to learn this habit, even if you’ve tried to before and it fizzled out.

One thing to keep in mind is that we’re focusing on getting more gratitude, which may or may not come in the form of a “thank you.”

What’s important is that you feel appreciated – and YOU get to decide if that’s happening or not.

Invite your husband to start this new habit with you by saying, “Hey, I’d like to start a new habit where we show more gratitude to each other. What do you think?”

Notice how you’re also offering to show your husband more gratitude?

By showing gratitude to each other, you can help your husband recognize how you show gratitude, which will help him feel more appreciated –  and encourage him to return the favor. 

The key is to find ways to show gratitude that are both meaningful and doable.

Meaningful means that it helps you feel appreciated. 

And doable means that it’s something that you want to do it for each other.

Saying “thank you” could meet that criteria, but we’ve got a lot more options now that we’ve seen how gratitude can be shown in different ways.

If your husband seems hesitant about this new habit, you can help him understand why it’s important to you. 

Say this: “I know we both do a lot for each other and our family. Sometimes what I do doesn’t seem like it gets noticed, and I’m guessing you feel the same way sometimes. And I want us both to feel appreciated.”

Strengthen this new habit with clear expectations 

The next step is to brainstorm ways to show gratitude to each other.

Here are a few ideas to get you started: 

• Say, “thank you” (if you haven’t tried asking for it before)

• Give a high five

• Give a hug

• Give a fist bump

• Share a 6-second kiss (learn why this is effective → Gottman Institute)

• Blow a kiss

• Send a text with a kissy face emoji

• Hold your hand over your heart

• Give a quick massage

• Write a short note

And if your husband already does something that helps you feel appreciated, you can ask him to do it more often. 

There are no rules here, as long as what you choose to do for each other feels meaningful and doable.

I recommend agreeing on a specific frequency for this new habit – once per day is a good starting point, but you can ask for more if it feels needed (though your husband gets to decide what feels doable for him).

And your husband gets to ask how he would like to receive gratitude from you (and you get to decide what’s doable for you).

After you choose how to show gratitude to each other, set a check-in date after 1-2 weeks to decide if this new habit is working or if it’s time to try another form of gratitude on your list.

This is how to build a new habit – with clear expectations AND built-in accountability.

If you want to make sure that this new habit doesn’t fade away…

Keep scheduling check-ins every two weeks or so.

They don’t have to be long — just a few minutes to agree on what’s working and what can be changed. 

This way, you and your husband are always working on making each other feel appreciated…

Which will keep you both feeling like a team.