How to break your marriage out of the “roommate phase”

Every couple feels like roommates sometimes.

Even when you’re close, there’s distance between you.

When this happens, it’s natural to wonder if something’s wrong with your marriage — because things sure didn't use to feel this way.

But here’s the truth: it’s completely normal.

Life is always pulling your attention in a million directions — work, kids, Netflix — and it’s easy for relationships to slip into autopilot occasionally.

The good news is that getting out of the roommate phase doesn’t require counseling or a major overhaul. 

Some time and attention is all it takes to bring you back to feeling like a couple again.

Here’s how.

11 ways to break out of the roommate phase

1. Talk about things that matter

Date nights are a great way to talk more deeply, but they’re not the only way.

If you’re both busy, sit down for 15 minutes at the end of the day — just the two of you.

Whatever you do, DON’T talk about schedules and to-do lists.

Ask deeper questions, and have a real conversation.

2. Practice being thankful

Feeling like roommates often comes from feeling unseen.

Change that by making appreciation a daily habit.

Ask your husband, “Want to start a daily thank you tradition?”

Make your “thank yous” specific to make them more meaningful: “Thank you for unloading the dishwasher — it made my morning so much easier.”

3. Shake up your routine

It’s easy to live on autopilot, even with your favorite person.

Break out of your routine by being spontaneous.

Not sure where to start? Use a random activity generator like this.

4. Touch each other

Physical touch matters — even if it’s just for a moment.

If you’re both comfortable with it, try holding his hand while you’re watching TV.

Rub his shoulders. Ask for a hug.

These small touches remind you both that you’re more than co-parents and cohabitants — you’re romantic partners.

5. Create a “just us” ritual

Here’s something I learned from Ramit Sethi: “Show me your calendar and I’ll show you your priorities.”

If your husband’s not on your calendar — fix that.

Schedule a weekly walk, coffee date, or breakfast just for you two.

Life will try to make you reschedule but don’t let it. Protect your relationship by protecting that time.

6. Share your favorite stories

Reminisce about happy and/or wild memories like your first date, your most ridiculous argument, or that vacation where everything went wrong.

One of our favorite stories is how my wife almost dumped me because I was too sick to text after our second date, and I had to show her my step tracker to prove I was telling the truth.

We still laugh (and debate) about what actually happened.

7. Break a sweat together

Moving your bodies together boosts endorphins — and your connection.

Take a brisk walk, or play pickleball (so hot right now).

You’re not trying out for the Olympics, so do anything you enjoy that’ll work up a sweat.

Try some intense gardening if that’s more your speed.

8. Laugh with each other

Laughter is a shortcut to feeling closer.

I recommend keeping your efforts small and silly.

Send each other memes. Have a silly dance-off.

Life’s more fun when you feel like idiots together.

9. Send voice notes instead of texts

Texts are efficient, but they’re awful at sharing feelings.

So the next time you want to send a message, leave a voice note instead.

Share how you’re feeling, or ask a fun question he can ponder until you catch up later.

10. Work on a project

I worked with a couple who got a babysitter so they could reorganize their pantry together — and they loved every second of it.

Find something you both enjoy (even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else) and make it your thing.

11. Kiss like you mean it

Don’t settle for a quick peck. Go for a real kiss.

The Gottmans recommend aiming for 6 seconds when you kiss — that’s the magic number that can lower stress and boost connection.

So get smacking.

And that’s it.

Life gets busy — even for couples who love each other.

But these simple strategies can pull you out of the roommate phase and bring you closer again.

Pick one. Try it for a week.

I promise you’ll feel the difference.