What to do when it feels like your husband is pulling away

One of the most confusing and painful things that can happen in a marriage is when your husband seems checked out of your relationship.

You invite him to go for a walk, but he’s always too busy.

You try to talk, but all he brings up are the necessities.

You ask if he’ll read a relationship book with you, and he shrugs, “We’ll see.” But nothing happens.

He’s not mean. He’s not angry. He’s just… gone in a way that’s hard to explain.

Which can leave you feeling hurt and alone — wondering if it’s still worth trying, especially if you feel like you’re the only one holding things together.

Here’s what’s important to understand:

When this happens, most people think they need to shift into a higher gear and spend more time together, be more affectionate, go to more marriage counseling sessions.

And that instinct makes sense.

But when your husband is emotionally shut down, even kindness can feel like pressure that tightens the screws instead of loosening them.

Because underneath it all, he probably doesn’t feel safe. And until he does, he won’t feel capable of making a real change.

That’s why I teach my clients that the goal isn’t to push harder.

It’s to get grounded in yourself — so you can stay steady, take care of your heart, and create the emotional safety he needs to come back online.

Here’s how to begin.

4 Steps to Reach Your Husband When He’s Pulling Away

Step 1. Tend to your own pain first

When your husband is emotionally distant, it’s easy to start doubting yourself. 

You might feel invisible. Unimportant. Alone.

As difficult as it is, let yourself feel what’s coming up. Give yourself permission to cry if you need to. Journal. Talk to someone you trust.

I like to use a 4-minute grounding exercise.

Most of us were taught to downplay our feelings, but your pain doesn’t make you “too much.” It makes you human.

And honoring your own experience is the first step to creating change.

Step 2. Take care of yourself without waiting on him

You don’t have to wait for your marriage to feel better before you start feeling more supported.

Even small things like texting a friend, going for a walk, or watching a show you love can help you feel 10% more grounded.

So find what gives you a boost (especially if it’s social, or helps you work up a sweat), and do it every day.

This isn’t about ignoring your marriage, or waiting for resentment to grow. 

It’s about making sure you’re NOT ignoring yourself while trying to hold everything together.

Because you’re not just building a safe space for your husband… you’re building it for yourself too.

Step 3. Understand what’s behind the distance

Most husbands don’t pull away on purpose.

They’re often stuck in old emotional habits, like disappearing or going quiet when life feels overwhelming. 

Most of the time, they don’t even realize they’re doing it.

This doesn’t excuse his distance, but it can explain why your love isn’t getting through — and why trying harder sometimes makes things feel worse.

Step 4. Offer safety instead of pressure

Once you’re feeling a little steadier, you can shift from trying to change him to offering small, safe moments of connection.

No ultimatums. No demands. Just invitations, like:

• “I’d love to sit outside with you after dinner. How does that sound?”

• “What’s been on your mind lately?”

• A back rub, if he’s open to it

You’re not trying to fix everything overnight. You’re simply saying: “I’m still here, and I want to feel close again — when you’re ready.”

Eventually, you might say: “I’d love for us to feel closer. I’m not trying to force anything, but is there something you’d be open to trying together?”

When the pressure drops, safety rises. And that’s when things shifts.

This is when many of my clients start to see changes.

Not from big dramatic gestures, but from quiet, consistent invitations rooted in acceptance.

I’ve seen couples go from barely speaking to each other, to taking regular walks, watching movies together, and opening up about fears they’d been carrying in silence.

There’s no perfect timeline for how long this takes, but sometimes it can be a matter of weeks.

And this is how it starts. 

Not by doing more...

But by building a space that feels safe enough for love to come back in.