Can you change your partner?
Last week I was visiting family and a question came up that I hear a lot as a relationship coach: Can you change your partner, or expect them to change for you?
And my short answer was no, I don't believe you can change your partner in any specific way.
Which might sound disappointing if you’ve ever hoped that your partner would start prioritizing your needs more, or want to listen and understand you better, or even change careers to earn more money for your family.
In my experience as a relationship coach and as a partner myself, that’s just not a realistic expectation.
But I’ve learned that you can make invitations to your partner that can lead to those kinds of changes.
Because there’s a massive difference between trying to force a change in your partner, and offering an invitation to them to make those changes.
Forcing a change is nagging your partner. It’s begging. It’s silently waiting and watching for your partner to change.
This rarely feels good.
Because you're feeling impatient. Disappointed. Angry.
And your partner isn’t feeling good either because they're feeling judged; like they aren't good enough for you.
Your partner might actually try to change for you, but if you’re still pushing for more changes, or a specific kind of change — you’ll both still feel the judgment, anger, and disappointment.
And that's how distance and resentment grows in a relationship.
But offering an invitation can create a lasting change in your relationship because by definition it doesn’t force anything.
An invitation offers your partner respect and treats them as an equal, which makes them more willing to work with you.
There are a lot of ways to make an invitation, but they basically have three parts.
Describe the situation.
Explain why you want to change the situation.
Invite your partner to work with you to figure out what that change could look like.
-Matt
