How to be authentic in your relationship

If you've ever told your partner, “I’m fine. I’m OK. Nothing’s wrong,” then you probably know what it feels like to be inauthentic in your relationship. 

It’s when your partner is blasting music while you quietly get madder and madder because you desperately want peace and quiet. 

It’s when you hesitantly agree to the restaurant your partner chooses, but you’d rather go somewhere else.

You can feel the resistance in your body, and your brain pushes back too: “I can’t believe they’re doing this to me!” 

This is what inauthenticity feels like, and it often bubbles up when your outer behavior doesn’t reflect your inner feelings and needs. 

If you feel inauthentic occasionally, this might not be a big deal for you – you’ll feel disappointment and sadness that evaporates as quickly as the flavor in a La Croix.

But if you regularly act in a way that doesn’t reflect your inner feelings and needs… then serious pressure will build up inside of you. 

And eventually that pressure WILL come out in an outburst of frustration and anger that seems completely disproportionate to the situation.

But your outburst isn’t in response to the situation, you’re reacting to the pressure that’s been building up inside of you.

If this continues, you could fall into a cycle that pushes your partner and loved ones further away with each outburst.

So how do you avoid falling into this painful cycle of inauthenticity? 

Let your behavior reflect what’s going on inside of you.

And the first step is to KNOW what’s going on inside of you. 

You can do this by checking in with yourself. 

When your partner starts blasting music – ask yourself, “How do I feel about this?”

If you have a pleasant feeling – happy, excited, relaxed – you’re probably on board with the music. No need to do anything, except maybe turn up the volume.

But if you have an unpleasant feeling – frustration, anger, disappointment – this is your body’s way of asking you to take action.

The next step is to decide what you’re needing in this situation. You can scan this needs list by NYCNVC to see which is your most pressing unmet need.

If you’re needing peace and calm, for example, you might ask your partner to turn down the music. Or you could decide to leave the room, wear headphones, or go for a drive – you’ve got lots of choices.

This is how your inner feelings and needs can guide you to express yourself in authentic ways.

Ignore that guidance and pressure will build up.

But you can always release that pressure by making requests of your partner, and actively looking for strategies to meet your needs.

You’ll feel more calm and peaceful, and you won’t be tempted to say, “I’m fine. I’m OK. Nothing’s wrong,” when you and your partner both know that isn’t true. 

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