Why nothing you do is enough for your partner
Sometimes it can feel like nothing you do is enough for your partner.
When this happens, it’s easy to feel disappointed and defeated, and start to wonder, “Is there something wrong with my partner that makes them impossible to please?”
Or, “What am I doing wrong? Am I the problem?”
If this goes on long enough, you and your partner might start doubting your relationship – maybe we’re not a good match after all?
This is an understandable and scary place to be.
But let’s consider another possibility.
Sometimes supporting your partner is just confusing and hard.
The reality is that this is true for every relationship, no matter how much you have in common and how much you love each other.
Because two things have to happen for you to be able to support your partner in a way that feels like “enough” for them: 1) Your support has to meet your partner’s needs and 2) Your support has to be something you want to do.
You might be tempted to say, “Thanks, Captain Obvious. I already do that!!!”
But are you really?
When I’m having a hard time with Sunaina and it feels like nothing I do is helping, it can FEEL like I’m doing everything I can for her.
But if I’m honest with myself, I’m only trying to do the things that I want to do.
And I’m not thinking so much about what she needs from me.
When I ask Sunaina, “What do you need from me?” THAT’S when I start looking for the overlap in this Venn diagram of support that can actually help her AND feel good for me.
When you find the sweet spot, your partner will feel like you “get” them, and you’ll feel satisfied and pleased to help your partner.
But if you’re not aiming for the bullseye, frustration and disappointment build up.
If you offer help without thinking about your partner’s needs, they’re going to get the vibe that you don’t care about them, or that you don’t understand them.
And if you only focus on your partner’s needs and don’t check if this is something YOU want to do for them, then you’re going to feel resentful; like you’re being taken advantage of.
I like how the Venn diagram kind of looks like a dart board because it’s useful to remember that just like in darts, you get many attempts to support your partner.
The trick is to keep checking in with yourself and your partner after each attempt to support them. Be open and honest about how you both feel.
And get creative with your support!
As long as you’re aiming for the sweet spot, your attempts to support your partner will show your partner that you care, and help you feel like you’re contributing.
And once you nail it, you’ll feel like a team again.
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