How to talk about your feelings and needs

We talk about feelings and needs a lot on this website and our podcast because partners who can talk about theirs openly are able to connect on a deeper level and build a more resilient relationship.

But I’ll admit that it’s awkward to talk about your feelings and needs in real life. Even relationship weirdos like Sunaina and I didn’t grow up doing it, and it can be hard to know where to start, especially when things get heated.

Usually I tell people that it gets easier with practice (which is true). 

But now I have a simple way to share your feelings and needs — even when you don’t know where to start.

The “Show Your Work” method

Do you remember learning algebra?

One of the things they taught us in math class was to “show your work,” by writing down the steps you took to solve a problem. A similar method can help you share your feelings and needs. 

Just like in math class, the basic idea is to share your thought process by saying 1) What you’re trying to do, and 2) Why you want to do it.

This is a reliable way to connect with your partner because it doesn’t require you to KNOW what your feelings and needs are BEFORE you start talking, because “showing your work” helps you identify your feelings and needs as you talk about them. 

I’ll show you what I mean.

Let’s say you have a rough day. Your partner promised to clean the kitchen, but when you get home there are dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere. 

Your first instinct is to blame your partner because they lied and left a big honking mess. Obviously you’re mad at your partner, but part of you doesn’t want to start a big honking fight.

If you weren’t so mad, you could practice self-empathy first and then talk to your partner when you’re feeling calmer and better able to connect.

But maybe you’re not in a place where you can do that. So what the heck are you supposed to say if you still want to express yourself in a respectful way?

To show your work, share 1) What you’re trying to do, and 2) Why you want to do it. This will help you discover your feelings and needs in real time, so you might end up saying something like this:

[What you’re trying to do] “I'm trying to think of a respectful way to share how I feel about the way the kitchen looks. It’s hard because I was expecting you to clean the kitchen and it hurts to see it like this. I guess I’m feeling… hurt and disappointed.” [Why you want to do it] “I’m telling you this because I want you to understand how hard this is for me. I guess I’m needing… understanding. I also care about your feelings and I don’t want to just yell and fight with you. I really want us to be able to talk about this and figure it out together... so I guess I’m needing partnership too.”

As you can see, showing your work gives you a starting point that nudges your stream-of-consciousness dialogue toward sharing your feelings and needs with respect and consideration for your partner. 

In general, it’s not always possible to express ourselves in a way that avoids causing some hurt to our partners. But this method can help soothe their pain because you’re reminding them that you care about their feelings, which can soften your partner and make your message easier to hear. 

Normally this is SUPER HARD to do when you’re upset (and it can still be pretty hard this way) but here you don’t have to do any work beforehand and you can figure it out as you go.

You don’t need the perfect words

We often think we need the “perfect” words to connect with our partners in a respectful and considerate way, but we don’t.

We only need to be transparent about our intentions to respectfully share what’s going on for us – and then the words take care of themselves. 

That’s what the Show Your Work method does.

Let’s do one more example, this time where your partner is going through a hard time and you want to help them but you’re scared to say the wrong thing.

Showing your work might sound like this: 

[What you’re trying to do] “I’m trying to help you but I’m feeling confused because I’m not sure how to do that. I’m also feeling scared that I might say the wrong thing and hurt you more. Is there anything I can do for you?” [Why you want to do it] “I care about you and I want to help you feel better. I think I’m feeling a strong need to support you right now.”

This is effective because you’re being vulnerable and sharing how much you care and want to help your partner. That matters far more than saying the “perfect” words when you’re trying to connect and support them during a painful moment.

Relationships need a lot of tools

Showing your work is especially useful during heated moments with your partner. I use it all the time with Sunaina when we’re having a rough patch. 

We’ve been talking about our feelings and needs for years, but it’s still hard to be considerate and respectful of each other when we’re both hopped up on strong emotions. 

That’s why I like how this method helps me slow down my thinking so I can remember what I really want to say: what I’m trying to do and why I want to do it. When I focus on that, I’m much less likely to say hurtful things I don't mean, or get stuck not knowing how to express myself.

I like to think of showing your work as a useful tool in my relationship toolbox. Practicing self-empathy is another one.

I’ve been collecting tools for many years because I think having a well-equipped toolbox is one of the best ways to protect and nurture your relationship, and I offer relationship coaching sessions because I want to help people learn these tools as quickly as possible.

If there are any other tools or situations that you’d like to learn how to address, please reply and let us know. 

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