What to say so your partner ‘won’t take it personally’
Don’t you hate how easy it is to take things personally?
Sunaina will share something that’s bothering her and suddenly I’m feeling defensive and hissing like a cat and then I realize, “Oh wait, I might be taking this personally.”
She’s not TRYING to make it personal. It just happens really, really easily.
It happens often enough that we’ve changed how we talk to each other, so we can discuss sensitive stuff without hurting or pissing off each other as much as we used to.
Is that something you struggle with in your relationship?
Then you might want to try what we do.
Our partners don’t cause our feelings
If you want to share something that’s bothering you with your partner, the main thing to remember is that your unpleasant feelings are caused by your unmet needs and NOT your partner.
Of course your partner may have played a role in creating the situation that’s made it hard to meet your needs but that doesn’t make your partner THE REASON you feel the way you do.
And playing the blame game with your partner – even if it’s just in your heads – is how “things get personal.”
You can sidestep this when you’re talking to your partner by keeping your focus on your unmet needs.
We hear blame even when it’s not there
I’ll share an example from our relationship.
Sunaina has been extra busy lately so I’ve been caring for our kid a lot and I’ve struggled to find time to work. It’s been frustrating!
I could tell Sunaina, “Lately I’m feeling frustrated that I haven’t had as much time to work as I’d like. I think I’m needing more progress in my day.”
Sounds pretty good!
I’m sharing what’s bothering me without blaming Sunaina for my frustration, so it could kick off a productive conversation about how I can find more time to work.
But it’s really, really easy to take things personally. Especially when you’re talking about stuff that’s sensitive or has led to the blame game in the past.
Sunaina might hear an implication in my words, like, “I’m feeling frustrated because you’re spending too much time at work and making things hard for me.”
And then the cat hissing begins.
How to talk so things don’t get personal
Sunaina and I have learned how to short circuit the blame game by emphasizing how our unmet needs are the source of our feelings.
In my example, I ended up saying something like, “Lately I’m feeling frustrated that I haven’t had as much time to work as I’d like. I want to be clear that I’m feeling frustrated at this situation and my need for more progress. I know you’re doing your best to support me and I don’t hold you responsible for my feelings.”
Is that a mouthful?
Well, I wouldn’t want to try saying it three times fast.
But it also makes it clear that I’m taking ownership of my feelings AND recognizing that Sunaina is doing her best and not actively trying to sabotage my life.
After that we felt comfortable enough to share our feelings and needs, and planned together how I could get more work done.
Good show, right?
Take responsibility for your feelings
It’s worth noting that this method only works if you ARE NOT holding your partner responsible for your feelings.
If you’re still blaming your partner, they will sniff it out! You could end up causing more hurt by not being honest.
And by blaming your partner, you’re not addressing the ACTUAL source of your struggles (your unmet needs), which makes it harder to find a productive solution.
So it’s important to stop blaming your partner before you open up to them.
How do you do that, you ask?
Practicing self-empathy is a great first step.
If you’re still feeling judge-y afterward, you could use our Show Your Work method, where you say 1) What you’re trying to do and 2) Why you’re doing it.
The Show Your Work method is often effective even when you’re not feeling completely zen-like about the situation.
In my example this might sound something like, “I’m trying to tell you how frustrated I am with the situation without making you feel responsible for how I feel. I know this isn’t your fault. I’m just needing more progress lately, and I want to talk about how I can find more time to work.”
Be warned! You could say this with perfect calm and a complete lack of judgment, and your partner might STILL TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
It happens.
Did I mention how easily we take things personally?
It takes teamwork for partners to stop taking things personally
Sometimes your partner just isn’t up to having that kind of conversation. You could try to talk later, or better yet, you could ask how you can support them.
This might feel like you’re doing more of the heavy lifting in your relationship (and you would be). But you’re also MUCH MORE LIKELY to find a way to get your needs met (and avoid any hissing) when you and your partner both feel like you’re on the same team.
Another option is to schedule a free discovery call with me. We can break down what’s going on in your relationship and make a plan to get you and your partner back on the same page – where everything doesn’t feel quite so personal.
To learn more ways to strengthen your relationship, subscribe to our Grow More Joy newsletter.
