One of the most frequent questions we get as relationship coaches is, “How can I stay calm when my partner triggers me?”

We’ve all been there! We’re in harmony with nature, and then our partner does something that gives us DARK THOUGHTS.

It could be an offhand comment or a #@%$*-ing facial expression that sets us off, and before we know it we’re feeling defensive, we’re talking louder, and – yep, there it is – we’ve now escalated things into a full-blown fight.

We’ve shared a few ways to deal with this kind of situation, but this is such a common challenge in relationships that you can never have too many ways to tackle it. 

So here’s another simple and effective strategy, courtesy of Sunaina’s mentor, John Kinyon.

His advice is to ask this one question: “Can I let you know what I’m hearing you say?”

How this question works

This single question does SERIOUS WORK for several reasons: 

1. Defuses your tension: You’re allowed to express your rage thoughts and share what’s coming up for you, so you don’t have to stay silent and fume as your partner blabs on.

2. Invites cooperation: By asking your partner if you’re understanding them correctly, you’re inviting your partner to share what’s coming up for them, which encourages them to be vulnerable and open up to you.

3. Reframes the conversation’s goal: This question moves the goal of your conversation toward understanding each other and away from assigning blame, which is what fights usually try to do.

John says this question goes down more smoothly if you can let go of your judgments before you ask it, but in our experience, asking this question can still help even if you’re saying it through gritted teeth (although we still suggest taking a deep breath or practicing self-empathy first). 

Even if we can’t always muster a Buddhist monk’s tranquility, asking a partner, “Can I let you know what I’m hearing you say?” still signals a desire to understand them.

Flip the script

To see the impact this question can have, let’s first imagine a scenario where you DON’T try to stay calm.

You arrive a few minutes late to a date with your partner, who makes an offhand comment about how you’re late again.

You feel defensive and say, “Like you’re always on time.” And before you know it you’re both fighting about who is late more often. Ugh. 

Let’s try that again, this time using John’s question to reframe the conversation. 

Your partner makes the comment about how you’re late again. You feel defensive, but you instead take a quick breath and say, “Can I let you know what I’m hearing you say?”

Your partner is surprised (and still annoyed), but they say, “Sure, whatever.”

You say, “I’m hearing you say that you wish that I would arrive when I say I will. You want to know when to expect me.”

“Yeah, I was looking forward to dinner with you,” your partner says. “When you’re late, it’s like you don’t care about spending time with me.”

Can you feel how the tension is leaking away? 

There are still some unpleasant feelings here, but the conversation is already moving away from the fight that felt inevitable a few seconds ago.

Being vulnerable with your partner can feel good

You don’t have to be right when you guess what your partner is trying to say. 

Your guess could be way off (sometimes I’m not even in the ballpark with Sunaina) but the attempt is still enough to invite your partner to open up. 

And when you and your partner can be vulnerable with each other, you’re acting like emotional detectives investigating all the feelings going down in the situation.

That’s a far more peaceful activity than the usual blame game. It might even feel good to connect with your partner this way!

There could still be a time when you pose this question to your partner and they tell you, “No, I don’t want to hear what you thought I said.”

Try to respect your partner’s wishes. Pushing them to open up when they’re not ready is more likely to escalate the situation then defuse it. 

You don’t have to give up when this happens, you can tell your partner that you’ll ask again later when you’re both feeling ready to talk about it. 

Staying calm when you feel triggered is one of the most difficult – and common! – challenges in a relationship. It’s not easy! 

So the next time you feel triggered by your partner, try this method to defuse the situation. Not only are you more likely to avoid a fight, you might also walk away feeling more connected with your partner than before.

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