Slow down to find solutions in your relationship

Last week we talked about one way to relieve stress in your relationship and we’re excited that all your stress is now gone!

Sorry, we wish that’s how it worked 🙁 – but today we have the next best thing: a less-stressful way to face relationship challenges!

This new approach might feel “off” to your problem-solving instincts because most of us want solutions to our relationship challenges AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

But let’s talk about why you and your partner should give yourselves permission to slow down and experiment with solutions.

Why we get stuck in relationship challenges

Let’s say you’re having a normal relationship challenge, like you and your partner can’t decide who should wash the dishes each day. 

You try a solution, like taking turns. And it might work for a while, until one or both of you gets too busy or forgets the schedule.

Dishes pile up, and so do your tempers. You might get so frustrated with the situation that you start using words for each other like “lazy,” “disrespectful,” or “who died and put you in charge of the kitchen?”

These feelings of frustration, anger, and maybe even resentment are signs that you and your partner have stopped looking for solutions and you’re losing hope that things will change. 

Even “small” challenges like the dishes can make you feel hopeless.

But there IS still hope – because there is almost always a solution to these challenges that can satisfy you AND your partner.

They might not be PERFECT solutions, but they can be good enough to meet the needs that matter most. 

The key is to give yourselves permission – and time – to find a solution that’s “good enough.”

What a “good enough” solution looks like

I’ll give you an example from our relationship of how this can work. 

Sunaina is a functional morning person while I am barely human before 9am. So Sunaina wrangles our toddler most mornings while I sleep. 

As you might guess, this is rough on Sunaina and after a while she started feeling resentful that I wasn’t helping. “I feel alone and I miss my partner,” she told me. 

I also felt like I was letting Sunaina down.

We agreed that our morning routine wasn’t cutting it and it was time for us to experiment with solutions.

First I tried waking earlier, but the lack of sleep gave me painful headaches that would knock me out for most of the day. 

Then we tried having me take the morning shift a few times a week and then rest afterward.

That didn’t work either. 🙁

Things weren’t going well, and Sunaina and I thought about giving up, but we REALLY didn’t want to start every morning feeling angry and frustrated. 

We also didn’t want to start resenting each other, so we agreed to keep looking for a solution.

Eventually we settled on me setting an alarm for 8:30am and slowly getting out of bed by 9am so I can watch our kiddo while Sunaina gets ready for the day. 

It’s not a perfect solution (a live-in nanny and cook? Yes, please!), but it’s good enough because it meets most of Sunaina’s needs for partnership (I show up for our family in the mornings) and space (time for her to get ready), and it meets my need for contribution, and juuuuuust enough of my need for sleep.

It took WEEKS of experimenting to find this solution, which sounds like a long time but the alternative is Sunaina and I could have kept doing the same thing and gotten more and more frustrated with each other. 

That would’ve sucked far more.

How to start experimenting with solutions in your relationship

If you’re ready to invite your partner to try this approach, you can say something like, “I’m having trouble with this situation. Would you be open to trying other ways of doing this?”

Keep an open mind when you listen to your partner’s reply. They might not have known what you’ve been going through, or they might be OK with the situation as it is.

This can start a rich conversation where you both share how you’re feeling about this particular challenge, and the needs that you’re both trying to meet.

Brainstorm possible solutions that meet both of your most pressing needs.

When you find a solution that you’re both willing to try – and this is SUPER IMPORTANT – set a date to decide whether it’s working for you both or not. One week is a good starting point to test a solution.

As you saw with our example, it’s normal to experiment with multiple solutions before finding one that sticks. 

So keep at it!

And remember, you don’t need to find a perfect solution to get past a relationship challenge, just one that’s good enough.

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