How to make Valentine's Day feel special (and not terrible)

Gird yourself, because Valentine’s Day is coming. 

Valentine’s Day is a wonderful opportunity to celebrate your partner and your relationship, but it’s also a lowkey minefield of hurt feelings and missed expectations. 

Today we’re going to show you how to make Valentine’s Day feel special to you AND your partner, while minimizing the risk that everything goes up in flames.

But first, a cautionary tale. 

Valentine’s Day can be hard

For a long time, celebrations like Valentine’s Day and birthdays often left Sunaina and I feeling sad and disappointed.

We TRIED to enjoy ourselves and celebrate the way Hallmark intended, but eventually one of us would get disappointed and that would put the other one in a sour mood. 

We kept whiffing at celebrating these special days for YEARS, and we had no idea why. 

Finally, we decided to talk about it.

“What would make the day feel special to you,” we asked each other. 

As you might guess, we had different answers! 

I wanted closeness and time to connect, while Sunaina wanted to feel love and meaning by doing something outside of our normal routine.

Our frustrations suddenly made more sense. I had been trying to make the days feel special by doing the things that I wanted, like going for a walk together and finding somewhere convenient to eat where we could talk deeply. 

Meanwhile, Sunaina wanted to mark the occasion with dinner at a nice restaurant and gifts to show how much we cared for each other.

Our plans didn’t cater to BOTH of our needs – no wonder we had been feeling so much frustration and disappointment! 

Valentine’s Day is a time for celebration, like birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays. But if your plans to celebrate only meet ONE partner’s needs then you, my friend, have mixed yourselves a cocktail of disappointment.

Celebrating as a couple takes teamwork

So there we were, Sunaina and I coming to grips with our own cluelessness. Were we doomed to a lifetime of terrible Valentine’s Days?

Nay!

We asked ourselves the question that’s changed all our celebrations since: “What can we do to make this day feel special for both of us?”

We brainstormed a few ideas, and in the end we agreed to celebrate the way Sunaina suggested, with reservations at a nice restaurant and an exchange of small but heartfelt gifts.

This strategy met Sunaina’s needs AND mine, because I didn’t care what we did or where we ate as long as Sunaina and I were able to spend time together, and the dinner reservation still gave me that opportunity. 

I also started giving letters to Sunaina to show her how much I cared. I didn’t need to get anything from Sunaina to feel valued (except her time), but being able to make her feel special with the letter DID meet my need to contribute to our relationship.

Now let’s talk about your relationship.

To plan a special Valentine's Day with your partner, ask each other what you want to do. That conversation could sound like, “I want to make sure Valentine’s Day is special for both of us. What would a special day look like for you?”

As you compare notes, try to identify the needs underneath the plans. 

In our case, a special day meant meeting my need for connection and closeness with my partner. Sunaina’s needs were for meaning and celebration.

Review this needs sheet with your partner to see which needs you’ll want to meet for your special day.

Make your Valentine’s Day memorable (in a good way)

Some of you might worry that this will ruin the surprise of any special plans. Surprise and spontaneity are also needs and they can be important ingredients for some people’s celebrations. 

But guess what, you can ask about that!

If you’re not sure what your partner wants, ask them, “Do you want the celebration to be a surprise?”

If they say, “yes,” you can agree on HOW MUCH of a surprise it could be. Maybe they want a complete surprise (bold!), or maybe they’ll just want you to choose a restaurant without telling them.

Planning a special Valentine’s Day is a collaborative process – unless you both agree that it shouldn’t be a collaborative process. 

Also, you don’t necessarily need to search for one activity to meet ALL of your needs for your special day. If you have the time and resources, you could plan multiple activities, or spread them out over the week. 

Some couples might see a nice dinner and dancing as a great way to make Valentine’s Day feel special, while another couple might prefer to order in and watch Netflix. 

This isn’t about comparing yourself to other couples, or what you see in movies – the goal is to find what is special to you and your partner, and then make plans to make that happen.

Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. That’s plenty of time for you and your partner to plan a day that will feel special for you both.

Let us know if you use any of our advice, and we’d love to hear your plans!

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