What NOT to say to someone in pain
I’ll never forget what I was wearing when I found out I had cancer: shorts and a black Pac-Man t-shirt.
So much of that night in the ER is frozen in my memory. The hum of the vending machine I paced in front of. The woman who couldn’t turn off her phone’s flashlight. The doctor’s worried voice when he told me to find an oncologist as soon as possible.
I remember thinking that what remained of my life would never be the same.
I was right. Over the last year, it felt like I experienced more pain, fear, anger, and sadness – and love, support, and care – than in all my years beforehand.
And I survived. I’m now cancer free.
A Lesson For Those Who Want to Help
This experience taught me some hard lessons. One lesson in particular is painfully alive in me, but I’m afraid that most people aren’t ready to hear it. Instead, they’ll think I’m ungrateful for all the care and support that I received from so many people.
But I’m going to tell you anyway, because if you’re reading this article then I believe that you want to learn how to be better at understanding and connecting with others.
And, more importantly, I believe this advice will help you succeed the next time you try to help someone in pain, or when you yourself need more support.
So let’s get to it: The lesson I want to share with you is what NOT to say to someone in pain.
Encouraging Words Can Still Hurt
Now you might be wondering, why do I need advice from you on how to talk to my own friends and loved ones? I’ll know how to help them better than some random person on the internet.
Maybe you’re right. You might know exactly what to say or do to ease your friend’s suffering.
But maybe you’re wrong.
And if you’re wrong, at best, you won't help them the way you want. Or, worse, what you say might cause them to feel EVEN MORE pain and add to their sense of sadness and loneliness.
I know exactly what the risks are, because, for most of the past year, I was the person hearing these “wrong” things from well-meaning friends and family.
Things like, “Don’t worry.” “Everything will be OK.” “It could be worse.”
Here are more:
“Stay positive.”
“You’re so brave.”
“At least it’s not X.”
“I know someone that happened to.”
“You have so much to be grateful for.”
“You’re lucky that X happened/didn’t happen.”
“You’re such an inspiration.”
“Have you tried X?”
“You’re going to be fine.”
“Try to relax.”
They sound encouraging, or at worst, harmless, right?
Maybe if we’re feeling OK. But to someone in pain, these messages can feel like a punch to the gut. Suffering often leaves us feeling vulnerable and alone, so kind words that might ordinarily feel reassuring can send a different, more painful message.
“Don’t worry,” can sound like, “You shouldn't be sad.”
“Everything will be OK,” becomes, “You’re anxious over nothing.”
“It could be worse,” turns into, “Your pain and suffering aren’t THAT bad.”
I *promise* that I’m not trying to make you feel terrible.
We ALL say these things sometimes. Even Sunaina and I. We’ve heard these words all our lives, so we offer them instinctively. When our toddler falls down and starts sniffling, my whole body wants to shout, “Don’t cry! Everything will be OK!”
The reason they can be painful to hear, especially to someone who is suffering, is that 1) They dismiss very real and valid emotions, and 2) They don’t offer presence and understanding.
Feeling Rejected
When I was diagnosed with kidney cancer, my best chance to survive was to have my kidney removed. It’s a relatively routine procedure, but my highly skilled and experienced doctor was very clear that it’s still major surgery, and there was a chance I might lose my life on the operating table.
It was never far from my mind that my *best* chance at survival could still kill me.
Yet one of the most common things people told me was, “Stay positive!” and “Don’t worry, everything will work out.” These are examples of toxic positivity because they dismissed the very real and scary emotions that I was feeling.
My response to these dismissals was often anger and sadness. When people didn’t accept my feelings about my situation, I felt painfully alone.
Denying Understanding
Many of us in pain desperately need to be seen. This requires someone to meet us where we are; to understand our suffering by acknowledging and validating it.
I used to spend hours online trying to find out what happened to people facing a diagnosis as similar to mine as possible. I desperately wanted to know what I could expect, and I wanted to feel like I wasn’t alone in my suffering.
When someone says, “You have so much to be grateful for,” they’re not trying to understand anyone’s situation or feelings. They’re attempting to offer support, sure, but not understanding.
So when well-meaning people failed to ask me what I was going through, I felt even more sadness and isolation.
Assumptions Are Risky
I’m going to say something that might *sound* like it contradicts everything else I’ve said so far.
There is a chance that the words that were hard for me to hear are EXACTLY what someone else in pain wants to hear. Sunaina, for example, often wants me to tell her that everything is going to be OK. [We talk about all of this in our podcast if you want to hear more.]
But I *still* don’t recommend you start by saying any of these things to someone in pain.
Here’s why: You never really know what someone else needs.
If you offer help based on an assumption of what you think they need, it may backfire with painful consequences, as I’ve shared above.
Be Curious About Their Needs
So, what can you do to offer meaningful support to someone in pain?
First, instead of assuming you know what they need, ask how you can support them! Most people don’t realize you can do this. You can literally say, “I’d really like to help. What can I do?” Then, listen with curiosity and care.
There’s a chance that, like Sunaina, they want to hear that everything is going to be OK. Or, they might want to talk, and ask you to listen. They might want to do something fun with you. They might want to be left alone. I know I did sometimes.
Whatever they ask of you, do your best to honor their request.
If You Really Want to Do Something
OK, but what if your friend doesn't know what they want? Or maybe you just really want to help them in a specific way?
The second way to help without causing more pain is to clearly give your friend the chance to turn down your support.
A dear friend of mine wrote a prayer for me. She told me that if I wanted to, I could read the prayer before my surgery. She also said she would understand if I didn’t want to read the prayer at all.
I read her prayer and I found it very comforting. I also found it comforting how she gave me the choice to accept her gift or not.
Another friend who recently had cancer offered to talk to me about his experiences. He said he was there for me if I needed him but he understood if I needed space instead. In the end I never spoke with him, but I felt supported by his gesture nonetheless.
If you want to make a particular gesture, make it clear that your friend can choose to decline it.
And if you really, really want to offer words of encouragement, try prefacing them with, “I hope…”
It might seem like a subtle difference, but compare these words:
“Everything will work out.”
“I hope everything works out.”
The first example dismisses all painful emotions and offers no opportunity for disagreement. The second expresses what is alive for you, and also doesn’t require your friend to agree with it.
We All Need Help Sometimes
If you’re the one in pain, you always have the power to ask for the support that you need. The people around you may or may not be able to offer it to you, but you’re much more likely to get help when you ask.
If you need someone to talk to, you can ask, “Would you mind listening to me for a bit?”
Or if someone offers you support that you don’t want, you can also decline it. For example, if your friend wants to talk but you’re not up for it, you can say, “Thanks for the offer. I appreciate it but I think I’d feel better if we just watched TV right now.”
For specialized help, you can also call these hotlines for support tailored to students, veterans, children, domestic violence victims, and many other groups.
You Can Help Someone
We all have the power to help others without risking more suffering, if we 1) Ask people for what they need, and 2) Offer them the choice to say, “No thank you.”
That’s all it takes.
Getting cancer taught me how much of a difference people can make for those of us in pain. I hope that this article has shown you at least one new way to make a meaningful difference for someone you care about.
We all deserve that kind of help.
If you want to learn more about how to support yourself and others, consider signing up for our newsletter. Thank you!
