How your anger is holding you back (and how to move forward)
A few months ago, a new neighbor moved next door to us, and that first night it sounded like a movie theater had opened up next to our bedroom. You know that overpowering THX sound effect that used to play at the start of movies? That’s what it sounded like almost every night!
I could’ve walked over and politely asked the neighbor to turn down his music. But I didn’t. The noise was so loud and so frequent that I KNEW he didn’t care if it bothered us.
So I cranked up the volume on our sound machine and started using ear plugs. It kind of helped, except when the bass started booming at 4am.
This went on for MONTHS. And the whole time, I kept stewing, getting angrier and angrier. How could this jerk live with himself??? How could he be so selfish?!?
Eventually, Sunaina had seen enough of my haggard morning face and talked to the neighbor. And he stopped playing loud music that same night.
As it turned out, our neighbor suffered from tinnitus and frequent nightmares, so playing loud music calmed him enough to go back to sleep. He actually seemed like a pretty decent guy.
When I found out about our neighbor’s condition, my anger at him dissolved. I started imagining the frustration and pain that he must have been feeling everytime we heard his music blaring in the middle of the night. His suffering must have been relentless, I realized.
So why should you care about my one-sided vendetta with our neighbor?
Because we all get angry sometimes, because, well, *gestures vaguely at life*. And when you stay stuck in your anger, like I did with my neighbor, that’s when life becomes even more challenging (something that we talked about on The Happy Wanderers podcast recently).
Chances are, the same thing is happening to you too.
So here are three ways that your anger is holding you back, plus three more ways to move past these blocks.
Reason 1: Being angry is stressful to your body and mind
In the old days (think caveman times, not the ‘90s), anger kept us alive. Back then, many threats were a matter of life and death, so our bodies evolved to give us the energy and focus to make quick decisions and then act on them. Modern life is much safer, and life-and-death threats are extremely uncommon, but our bodies are still hardwired to watch out for predators and other caveman threats.
This means that our bodies tend to react with a disproportionately intense response when we get angry. Over time, that overload of stress can increase the likelihood of health risks like memory challenges, digestive issues, and even heart attacks.
What can you do?
Grounding exercises like breathing exercises and a butterfly hug can help you get out of flight-or-flight mode and reconnect with your body. I use the butterfly hug when I’m feeling super stressed and it really helps.
The key thing to remember is that you’re not trying to stop being angry (telling yourself how to feel doesn’t really work). Instead, you’re getting in touch with your body, and that can lead you back to feeling calm.
If you find yourself getting angry repeatedly during a really hard time, I have some other tips that we learned over the last few years.
Reason 2: You can’t see the solutions in front of you
When I was beefing with my neighbor, the solution was literally a phone call away. But I was absolutely certain that there was no easy answer to my problem.
Anger does that to us. It makes it hard to even *think* about finding solutions because we’re so often caught up figuring out who is to blame.
What can you do?
Ask yourself, “Am I OK with the way things are?”
If you’re like how I was, then the answer is an easy NO! Once you accept that you want things to change, you can literally ask yourself, “What do I want to change?”
By asking and answering these questions, you’re getting out of the anger blame game and moving toward understanding what you really need. Sometimes that might mean making a request of someone else, and other times it might mean taking other actions for yourself, like reconnecting with friends, taking some downtime, or starting a meaningful new project.
Reason 3: You can’t connect with those around you
One of the scariest risks of being angry is that we can get stuck in a destructive cycle that leaves us feeling more alone and isolated than before.
A recent study explored how angry people will sometimes respond to romantic partners with destructive behavior, actions like name-calling, saying insults, or being cold. This can set off a vicious cycle where the partners get angry too, and then both people are more likely to take offense in the future and continue the cycle.
What can you do?
I’ve often found that being angry causes me to make assumptions. I assumed my neighbor was an uncaring jerk. Sometimes I think that my loved ones are too busy to have time for me. A lot of the time, these kinds of assumptions are flat out wrong.
One technique that has worked to challenge my assumptions is to ask myself, “What if I’m wrong?”
If I had asked myself, “What if I’m wrong about my neighbor being an uncaring jerk?”, I might’ve been willing to talk to him about the noise.
And even if I’d been *right* and he really didn’t care about my sweet, sweet beauty sleep, then I’d know that I could cross that solution off my list and move on to another.
Try asking yourself, “What if I’m wrong?” when you’re angry at someone. If you can be open to hearing their side of the story, that will give you a chance to move past your anger and start reconnecting with those around you.
Anger doesn’t have to control you
Anger can be a trap that makes us blind to the solutions and support around us. If we let it, anger can take control of our lives and cause lasting damage. But with these strategies, you can move past anger to reconnect with your body, mind, and the people around you. And maybe, if you’re like me, you can finally get a good night’s rest again.
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